9781449410391_

Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?

If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual youve ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:

As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets.

Its essential that you keep careful track of your babys every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23.

When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and dont forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!

It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your childs age.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100 piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. Youll get no such promise from What To Expect When Youre Expecting.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless youre some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

(*_*)9781449410391_

Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?

If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual youve ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:

It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your childs age.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100 piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. Youll get no such promise from What To Expect When Youre Expecting.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless youre some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

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